Diving Deep: Autistic Approaches to Meaningful Communication
Beyond Small Talk: Understanding Autistic Communication
For decades, the professional discourse around autistic communication has centred on perceived deficits, particularly regarding social communication and the ability to engage in casual conversation. However, this framing fundamentally misunderstands the nature of autistic communication preferences and patterns. Rather than viewing autistic individuals' relationship with small talk through a deficit lens, let’s consider it through the framework of ‘different but equally valid’ communication priorities and values.
The common narrative suggests that autistic individuals "cannot" engage in small talk or "fail to understand" its social purpose. This perspective not only dismisses autistic people's agency but also overlooks the sophisticated ways in which autistic individuals do form connections and maintain relationships. Research and lived experience increasingly demonstrate that autistic people often choose not to engage in small talk, finding greater value in different forms of social connection.
I hope that this blog post article challenges the traditional deficit-based understanding of autistic communication, particularly regarding phatic communication (small talk), and includes evidence for a more nuanced interpretation that recognises autistic communication patterns as different rather than deficient. We will examine how autistic individuals naturally form and maintain relationships, particularly in autistic-to-autistic interactions, where alternative communication patterns emerge organically and successfully.
Understanding Phatic Communication Through Different Neurological Lenses:
Phatic communication, commonly known as small talk, serves distinct social functions in neurotypical interaction. It acts as a social lubricant, helping to establish and maintain social bonds through brief, often superficial exchanges. For many neurotypical individuals, these interactions provide a sense of safety and familiarity, creating a graduated pathway to deeper connection.
However, autistic individuals often experience and interpret these social mechanisms differently. Rather than viewing small talk as a stepping stone to connection, many autistic people experience it as an obstacle to authentic interaction. This difference stems not from an inability to understand or engage in small talk, but from a fundamentally different approach to forming connections and building relationships.
The Value Proposition: Differing Approaches to Social Connection
When examining how autistic individuals approach social connection, we observe distinct patterns that prioritise authenticity, depth, and purposeful exchange over social convention. Where neurotypical communication often follows a gradual progression from surface-level interaction to deeper engagement (akin to slowly entering a swimming pool), autistic communication frequently begins with direct engagement on topics of shared interest or significance (more like diving straight in).
This preference for immediate depth reflects not a social deficit but rather a different value system regarding human connection. Autistic individuals often report finding standard small talk not merely challenging but fundamentally unfulfilling. The common practice of exchanging pleasantries about weather or engaging in formulaic "How are you?" exchanges can feel artificial and even ethically questionable to many autistic people, who often place high value on truthful and meaningful communication.
SOME DIALOGUE EXAMPLES:
Allistic Small Talk:
Person A: "Terrible weather we're having lately, isn't it?"
Person B: "Oh yes, typical British summer!"
Person A: "At least the gardens need the rain."
Person B: "That's true. Are you doing anything nice this weekend?"
Authentic Autistic-to-Autistic Interaction:
Person A: "I just learned that bees can recognise human faces."
Person B: "Really? That's fascinating! I read that they do a special dance to tell other bees where flowers are."
Person A: "Yes! The waggle dance! Did you know..." [Launches directly into detailed discussion]
Mixed Neurotype Interaction Showing Different Priorities:
Allistic person: "Lovely day, isn't it? Spring is finally here!"
Autistic Person: "The maple trees started budding exactly two weeks earlier than last year. I've been tracking their patterns since 2019."
Autistic Communication Patterns: A Closer Look
Several key characteristics define typical autistic communication preferences:
Direct Communication: I can say from autistic people that i know, have worked with, and from my own communication style, that autistic people prefer straightforward, explicit communication that serves a clear purpose. This preference for directness extends beyond mere style; it reflects a sincere value placed on efficient and meaningful exchange of information or ideas (which is fundamental).
Interest-Based Connection: Rather than using ‘the weather’ or other conventional small talk topics as conversation starters, autistic people will enjoy initiating connection by talking specifically about shared interests or meaningful observations (and what can be more valued and meaningful than that?). As autistic people see it, taking this approach means that the conversation leads to more engaging and satisfying interactions for all participants.
Authentic Expression: I do know of a lot of autistic people who say that they feel uncomfortable with the social expectation to provide partial or modified truths in casual conversation. For example, the common practice of responding "fine" when one is not actually fine. Not only is it rather pointless (it isn’t real) and therefore problematic to those who value authentic communication but it also can feel simply dishonest (which autistic people typically do not like being).
Different Friendship Maintenance Patterns: Perhaps most significantly, autistic folks often maintain friendships through patterns that differ markedly from neuronormative expectations. If you know autistic people you may already know that the commonly held assumption that relationships require constant maintenance through regular small talk isn’t necessarily true in autistic-to-autistic friendships.
Evidence from Autistic-to-Autistic Relationships
Observing communication patterns between autistic friends and aquaintances provides compelling evidence for the validity of alternative social connection styles. In autistic-to-autistic relationships, we often see:
Comfortable periods of extended silence without social pressure
The ability to reconnect after long periods without contact, picking up where they left off
Direct sharing of information or interests without conventional social preamble
Mutual understanding and acceptance of different communication needs
Less emphasis on traditional social scripts and more focus on authentic exchange
These patterns demonstrate that autistic are actually capable of forming and maintaining deep, meaningful connections - they simply do so differently from neuronormative expectations.
Implications for Therapists Working with Autistic Clients
Understanding these different communication patterns has significant implications for therapeutic practice. As counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists and coaches, can we shift from viewing autistic communication patterns as areas requiring intervention? And can we wholeheartedly embrace the reality of them as valid approaches to social connection that may actually serve protective and beneficial functions for our clients in their lives?
Key Considerations:
Validating Different Communication Styles. Rather than attempting to teach neuronormative small talk patterns, focus on helping clients understand and navigate both communication styles while honouring their natural preferences.
This might include:
Acknowledging the energy cost of engaging in conventional small talk
Be with clients if they want to identify situations where some small talk may be strategically useful and support them to make choices that are in their own best interests.
Supporting Authentic Connection. Therapists can play a vital role in helping autistic clients identify and cultivate relationships where their natural communication style is appreciated. This might involve:
Exploring what meaningful connection looks like
Identifying potential spaces and communities where authentic communication is valued
Supporting clients in setting boundaries around their communication preferences
Reframing Social "Success". Let us move away from neuronormative metrics of social success and instead:
Recognise that depth of connection, not frequency of interaction, may be more valuable for many autistic people
Acknowledge that meaningful relationships can be maintained without constant contact
Validate alternative forms of social connection, including special interest-based relationships
Support clients in defining clients own measures of social fulfillment
The Double Empathy Perspective
The "double empathy problem" (Damian Milton) provides a useful framework for understanding these communication differences. This concept suggests that communication challenges between autistic and allistic people arise from mutual difficulties in understanding each other's social conventions and preferences, rather than from unidirectional ‘deficits’ (not actually held) in autistic individuals.
This understanding should inform our therapeutic approach by:
Recognising that communication differences are bidirectional
Acknowledging that allistic communication patterns are not inherently superior
Being mindful about autistic communication preferences are valid and shared by others
Validating Voice: From Social Pressure to Self-Acceptance
In briefly examining the relationship between autistic individuals and phatic communication here, we've illuminated a crucial understanding: what has long been viewed as a deficit is, in fact, a different and equally valid approach to human communication, connection and shared experience of each other in dialogue. The evidence from autistic-to-autistic relationships clearly demonstrates that meaningful social bonds can flourish without reliance on conventional small talk. And, in fact, ‘Big Talk’ often achieves greater depth and authenticity, resulting more meaningful and satisfying social verbal exchanges.
But, it’s also true to say that this understanding points to a deeper and more troubling reality. Our society has long demanded that autistic people change their natural communication preferences, effectively requiring them to perform an inauthentic version of themselves to gain basic social acceptance (masking). This forced camoflaging not only exhausts valuable emotional and cognitive resources but creates a profound disconnection from self. When autistic people are consistently told that their natural ways of being and connecting are wrong or insufficient, they often lose touch with their authentic selves, not only to others but to themselves. We could describe this as a fragmented sense of identity or a partially disowned one.
As mental health professionals, we have a unique opportunity—and I’d also say that we have a responsibility—to help reverse this damage. Rather than perpetuating the expectation that our autistic clients should conform to neuronormative communication patterns in order to benefit in the world (due to making assumptions that the world cannot be flexible to appreciate autistic people as their natural selves), We can instead value them and support them in valuing themselves. And as part of the work that we already do with autistic adult clients (facilitate reclaiming their complete self and rebuilding their connection to self) we can also include pride around authentic autistic communication styles.
This may involve such things as:
Validating clients natural communication preferences and helping them understand these as legitimate alternatives to neuronormative patterns
Supporting them in developing self-ownership over their communication styles and making informed choices about whether to adapt style or not at any one time
Encouraging viable, appropriate, and effective self-assertion skills that allow clients to express their needs and boundaries around communication
Building self-confidence in their authentic ways of connecting with others
The goal for therapists, then, isn't to help our clients better perform neurotypical small talk, but to support them in finding and maintaining their authentic voice in a world that often pressures them to do otherwise.
The traditional narrative suggesting that autistic people lack the capacity for meaningful social connection fundamentally misunderstands the nature of autistic communication. Rather than viewing autistic communication patterns through a deficit lens, we can recognise them as different, valid, and celebrated approaches to human connection.
The journey toward authentic connection begins with recognising that there are many valid ways to build and maintain relationships. For autistic people, the path to genuine social connection lies not in mastering the art of small talk, but in reclaiming and embracing their own natural and enjoyable ways of relating to others. Through this understanding, we can better support our clients in developing fulfilling relationships whilst remaining true to themselves.
Author: Vauna Beauvais. Autistic psychotherapist and ADHD-er.
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References:
Milton, D. E. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & society, 27(6), 883-887.
Milton, D., & Sims, T. (2016). How is a sense of well-being and belonging constructed in the accounts of autistic adults?. Disability & Society, 31(4), 520-534.